Monday, August 9, 2010

Zombie Marriage

To the living and to the dead:

It has come to my attention that there are zombies out there that would like to marry humans.  This is not too surprising.  We zombies envy the living in many ways: You have great personal hygiene, you enjoy a wide range of dining choices, you take long walks on the beach without  seagulls plucking out your eyeball. The list of our envy is long.

What does surprise me is there are humans out there that want to marry us zombies.  To this, I have just one question:  Why?

Don't get me wrong!  I would love to have a permanent, legally binding relationship with a living human being.  What zombie wouldn't?  A commitment, bound by society and law, to unconditionally love one another until death (of one of us, at least) do we part.  But the whole thing is just so impractical.  Consider these few scenarios:

The zombie wife is at home with the kids (we won't get into the logistics of this) while the human husband is out doing manly things such as working, drinking, spitting or farting.  Maybe more than one of these at the same time.  The zombie wife is setting the kids down for a nap when she is suddenly overcome with a brain craving.  Ooops!  You can imagine the grisly outcome.

Or the inevitable day when you are at a neighborhood party.  You are happily enjoying the finger food while your zombie partner is with some of the guest enjoying their fingers.  How embarrassing!

Weddings would be problematic: keeping the zombie guest from thinking the living guests are the buffet; keeping the oozing ichor dripping from the zombies from making the dance floor too slick; keeping the room cool enough to suppress the foul stench of decay while at the same time not freezing the living.  I guess they could just wear warm coats...

The list goes on and on.  So to the living I say forget about it for now.  They day will come (maybe) when all the real world problems of human/zombie unions can be managed.  But you alive-types are having enough problem reconciling human/human unions.  Seriously, until you get off this trip of gay marriage as a issue, then there is no way we can even start to work out solutions to the far more palpable, difficult and real problems of human/zombie unions.

Maybe someday.  I hope.  But not now.

Until next time,

Zombie Steve

"Life is short. become a zombie."

A Public Message from Zombie Steve

Zombie Steve here with a few words to you, the person reading these words

You found your way to this blog by one of two means:  Accidentally or intentionally.

If it is the former, then I don't know how the hell that happened.  But read on, seeker. Learn about our lives as zombies.  Gain insight about the world in which we live.  And when I say we, I mean us zombies, not you warm fleshed, uneaten, mostly intelligent anthropoids.  You can find out about your lives by living them.

If it is the later, you are either a zombie yourself or a friend of a zombie.  But between you and me, there is no such thing as a friend of a zombie.  If you think you are a friend of a zombie, then here is a little known secrete: You are just a walking, talking, somewhat amusing future snack for the zombie with whom you think you are friends. In any event, read on to learn about the same garbage as everyone else. And when I say garbage, I mean highly intellectual, thought provoking and pertinent information about the world in which we all live and unlive.

That last sentence had three words that I do not know the definition too, but they sounded good.

Now, I like to end a blog with a little known fact I found on the web somewhere so I can feel superior and important. So here it goes:

Should you say octopuses, or octopi?

The word Octopus was brought into the English language somewhere in the Great Britain Olden times.  I know... real specific, huh?  Well bite me.  And if you do, you will become a zombie.  I think.

Back to the point.  When the word Octopus was brought into the language, the English speakers added the typical 'es' to the end of the word to make it a plural.  Sometime later, scholars wanted to normalize the English language by using some of the grammatical rules of Latin, and so the term 'octopi' came into being and is now commonly used to this day.

But here is the rub:  Those scholars were complete jackasses.  The word octopus is not Latin, but rather has its roots in ancient Greek. The more clever of these jackasses deferred to the rules of Greek grammar and came up with octopedes.

But one last comment.  If these scholars had put down their pints of mead and let their heads clear, they would have realized something:  When a foreign word is subsumed into the English language, it becomes an english word and the rules of English grammar should apply.  So in fact, the the word 'octopuses' is just fine.

But I really like octopedes, and will be using that from now on.

If you don't believe me, check it out at Merriam-Webster.

Now that you have a piece of my mind, can I have a piece of yours?  I'm a little hungry.

Goodbye for now,

Zombie Steve

"Life is short.  Become a zombie"