Monday, August 9, 2010

Zombie Marriage

To the living and to the dead:

It has come to my attention that there are zombies out there that would like to marry humans.  This is not too surprising.  We zombies envy the living in many ways: You have great personal hygiene, you enjoy a wide range of dining choices, you take long walks on the beach without  seagulls plucking out your eyeball. The list of our envy is long.

What does surprise me is there are humans out there that want to marry us zombies.  To this, I have just one question:  Why?

Don't get me wrong!  I would love to have a permanent, legally binding relationship with a living human being.  What zombie wouldn't?  A commitment, bound by society and law, to unconditionally love one another until death (of one of us, at least) do we part.  But the whole thing is just so impractical.  Consider these few scenarios:

The zombie wife is at home with the kids (we won't get into the logistics of this) while the human husband is out doing manly things such as working, drinking, spitting or farting.  Maybe more than one of these at the same time.  The zombie wife is setting the kids down for a nap when she is suddenly overcome with a brain craving.  Ooops!  You can imagine the grisly outcome.

Or the inevitable day when you are at a neighborhood party.  You are happily enjoying the finger food while your zombie partner is with some of the guest enjoying their fingers.  How embarrassing!

Weddings would be problematic: keeping the zombie guest from thinking the living guests are the buffet; keeping the oozing ichor dripping from the zombies from making the dance floor too slick; keeping the room cool enough to suppress the foul stench of decay while at the same time not freezing the living.  I guess they could just wear warm coats...

The list goes on and on.  So to the living I say forget about it for now.  They day will come (maybe) when all the real world problems of human/zombie unions can be managed.  But you alive-types are having enough problem reconciling human/human unions.  Seriously, until you get off this trip of gay marriage as a issue, then there is no way we can even start to work out solutions to the far more palpable, difficult and real problems of human/zombie unions.

Maybe someday.  I hope.  But not now.

Until next time,

Zombie Steve

"Life is short. become a zombie."

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